Parties, Outings & Outfits -
The norm is to be excited over parties and events right? For most boys, yes. For majority of girls, yes. The issue normally is finding what to wear, right? Usually leaving it to the last minute, right? I miss that excitement. I miss the excitement of not worrying about which outfit will expose my skin the most and being able to fake tan during winter. A tactic I used for our holiday in Europe, was to wear maxi dresses, maxi skirts or leggings with a basic tee. My mentality was, if I were to have my legs covered, I wouldn't feel so bad having my arms showing because only 50% of the spots were visible. Whereas, if i had both my arms and legs showing, people would have MORE to stare at for LONGER.
So how does fake tan affect me you ask? Well, the unique thing with psoriasis is, the plaques or fresh spots where they once were, is a thin layer of fresh skin. So, compared to the rest of my body, they get burnt quicker and is a much brighter red. Therefore, when applying fake tan, my spots stain darker than the rest of my body when it is applied and washed off, leaving me looking patchy and a tad funny (OOMPA LOOMPA!). If the skin around my plaques are also pealing/shedding, the fake tan gets caught on the loose pieces of skin. When I peal it off like someone pealing skin from their sunburn, it leaves a white circle around that spot, leaving me looking tanned with white stamps.
Do you care about what you wear?
IF YOU SAID NO, YOU ARE FIBBIN! Outfits are a big deal. Not just for GIRLS but for BOYS too. Doesn't have to be all the time but it's a thing. If I wanted to wear a backless dress, I won't. If I wanted to wear a strapless dress, I won't. Obvious reason being, a section of my back has a patch of psoriasis that's visible to the eye. In my head, if I turn my back around, I know I'm going to be hearing voices and feel them talking. I know you will read this and say who cares, let them - it's easier said than done and way harder than you think. People talking about me and giving me sh#t, is what got me into this mess in the first place! (Hormones were to blame this time around). I really take my hat off to those who flaunt their stuff without a worry in the world and those who look and feel good. You inspire me and I respect you!
My Future Wedding -
Feeling pretty emotional and raw as I write this part of my story. When my partner and I were in the early stages of getting to know each other, he asked me questions like "Have you ever...." and "Where do you see yourself....", all that kind of stuff. One particular question however, had to do with hope and wishes. Deep in conversation, my honest answer was that I hope to be clear from psoriasis on my wedding day.
I remember having this conversation with my friends sister who has Vitiligo - an autoimmune disorder that causes patches of skin to lose colour. We had both said that we want to stand out but not in the way that we already do.
The truth is, if on the day of my wedding I have a flare up, no matter if my hair is perfectly styled, if my make up is on point or if my wedding dress if glamorous with a capital G, the first thing my guests will notice are my spots. A beautiful bright white dress on a red Dalmatian? Pretty hard to miss. I'm not saying I wouldn't get married during a flare up, however, it would be both one of the best and hardest days ever to experience. To look back at photos and compliment my guests, my husband and my child, to then sit there moping, only complimenting my dress, hair and makeup.
Having been through this for so long, it is hard most days. It is a mental drainer and it consumes you. I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist, but I will say how I look, means something to me and that's okay.